Thursday, September 18, 2014

A not so summery, summer post.

Wait what, it's September already? Right here right now I find myself confused; where did the time go? Where did my summer go?
So okay, I couldn't say this summer is the best time of my life ever, but it definitely gave me a new set of lenses to see my life with. I had been through many high and low points within the holy 3 months-summer-breaks that moulded me into what I am today.

I flew back to Indonesia together with my dear man by the end of June. Honestly, I wasn't quite excited this time. I wondered why, but these could be the main reasons:
  1. I was actually accepted to do my internship in Colombia this summer, which is located on the other side of the world I'm living in. I was SO happy with that I could't sleep in excitement as I got the acceptance letter. My heart broke a little when I found out that my dad just couldn't let me go there (Dad knows best *sigh*). Instead, he offered me to go back home and do the internship thingy there.
  2. It was only 9 months away from the last time I came back. I don't want to go back too often to be honest. I'd rather have my family/friends visit me here (haha) and show them around.. "So people, this is Russia, this is the country I'm spending 5 years of my life in... You see there's a lot of Babushkas and hey look, bunch of fine-looking chicks almost everywhere, that's normal, don't be surprised."
  3. And I had too plenty of time (2 months and a half!!!) to spend in Indonesia. I didn't even know what to do at first. Hadn't found any jobs there. What could be more boring than imagining yourself sitting on a couch, watching DVDs and getting all the fats from all those munchies for 2 months and a half?
But what else can I do... I was finally convinced and tickets were issued. Then there I was, arrived in Soekarno-Hatta Int' Airport with a mixed-feelings and a confused face I couldn't hide. I was happy to see my parents though. I was happy seeing them healthy just like the last time I saw them. For me that's enough; to see my parents are doing fine.

I remember one evening, I was trapped in a traffic with my Dad (we talked a lot this summer, more than just a casual conversations we usually had, maybe he considers me as an adult now.) he briefly said, "Find the one and be the one that listens. A good communication between you and your partner is the key, no problems can't be solved with a good communication.", ...okay things get serious when you're in your twenties haha. I talked a lot about my college life, and how I survive, and also about my relationship with a particular person. He told me too about his marriages life, his works and hopes. He gave me fatherly advises that I believe will help me in any life circumstances, big time. Thank you, Dad. I love you. So much.

Talking about marriage, I was real excited when I heard some of my girls were proposed. Their weddings are soon be held. Feels just like yesterday we were goofing around in a canteen back in senior high school, single, no boys involved (well, a bit involved) got our hearts broken, made up again, went on a date, but now, marriage? How come? Is that too soon? How soon is too soon?
Okay, just years ago when I was just a teenager, if somebody asked me, "How old will you be when you get married?", I would lightly answer, "22 or 3, maybe." But now this 22 year old woman couldn't even imagine herself marrying someone in a year or two.
I talked about marriage to one of my close friend, Nabila, "Hey have you ever imagined yourself getting married?", she laughed. So we talked, and we talked. And we both came to the conclusion, that marriage is too soon for both of us. Nabila said, "I'm afraid marriage is not for me." If only she knows that I'm quite afraid too... the middle of July I was given a job in one private TV station in Indonesia. Actually it was more like a freelance than an internship. I was getting paid for helping things out, translating movies' scripts (I'm also the girl behind Masha & The Bear! That's a highlight! Haha). Coming to work in the morning, going back home at night. At this point I thought, "Man, so this is what most people complain about; traffic! Once I become financially independent, I'd retire and do a good favour for myself, I'd buy a big house on top of the hills and swim in my own money. Take care of my little family. Make sure they get everything they need. Go picnic with my kids in the afternoon. Live happily ever after. And finally leave the world with no regrets."


Anyway, I've always had a severe trust issues rooted inside of me, and I've been more concerned about it lately. I think a constant disappointments make it so hard for me to put trust on people. Or simply because I want to protect myself from a further disappointment, therefore I built a shield around me and trust my instinct instead. What kind of disappointments have made me this way? I sound like an old woman who has been through a lot of things; disappointments, broken promises, etc.. But I don't have to be as old as my late grandma to feel this way, do I? 

So by the end of August, I found out that 'This Person' I've been looking up to for long was actually a phoney. I was quite surprised by how fine 'This Person' hid everything away from me. I was surprised by how beautiful the chocolate-covered-lies 'This Person' gave to me until I peeked inside because I've always believed 'This Person' was one of a very few people that wouldn't let anything bad happen to me. But my worry was proven right. After all, my insecurities were actually up for a reason.
'This Person' was really sorry about that, but what a sorry can do? It doesn't heal anything, a sorry doesn't gain back the trust I once put on. 'This Person' promised to fix everything, but tell me how do you expect me to believe all the words 'This Person' said and start all over again?
People make mistakes, and so do I. But let's not make it as an excuse for doing things wrong, okay? Okay.

I think I'm going to pop out in just a second.

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