Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Monstrous thing.

Let's face the bitter fact. We live in a such world full of sin. Really it's just impossible to live in a godly life and not making any sin for the rest of our lives. I've done so many wrong things. I've lied to my parents, I've judged people without actually getting to know them first,  I didn't return the library books, I skipped daily prayers sometimes because I was too lazy/sleepy, I hurt many people feelings, I ate fried chicken and fries at 2 AM (that counts as a sin, doesn't it?), I cheated on my tests and so much more. From a tiny speck, to a big fat one. From something I can laugh and make fun of, to something I'm all disgraced by guilts.
And one of the thing I've been trying to overcome is…this ugly jealousy.
Romantic jealousy, power jealousy and jealousy of any kind. I do feel jealous. I've been haunted with some for this past year. Well I'm not a jealous type of person on a normal basis. BUT we do feel jealous of another person for once in a while, don't we all? That once when you feel bad about yourself and wish you could live in somebody else's life? I know it stinks and unhealthy, and sometimes I can't help it but to get blinded by jealousy towards this particular person that I can't see what's good in me anymore. I've been eyeing them because I fear to lose. I fear they will take away what I own at some point.  I fear they will steal away what supposed to be mine and only mine, the whole part of it.  I feel threatened and insecure. It's an ultimate killing thing. For a moment I forgot what I've been so confidence in doing, what I know I'm really good at, what my papa keeps telling me how proud he is of me, and he said how I am loved and don't deserve any comparison to another individuals. And I unconsciously have planted the bitterness seeds inside of me that soon grew wild into a thought; "maybe my life would be so much closer to an ideal if I just had what they had...born the way they were born…be where they were be…"

Do I sound so ungrateful? Wait, that crossed my mind only for a seconds before it was vanished. Never really thought that way. Even though that ugly monster of jealousy keeps re-appearing some other time like a bad penny I have no control over..
But really, if one day you find out your partner once got into a serious relationship before you and you think you have the right to feel jealous of. Or if you feel your parents  compliment your siblings more than what they do about you. Or when one of your friends living in a dream you wish you could had. And to many other cases you're facing with. Believe in one thing, you also have what they -and so many other people out there do not. Your task is just making the most out of you have. To love the skin you live in. You are precious. I still am learning not to let my self-judgments abuse me and drag me down on an emotional downward spiral to a further insecurity. Jealousy will get me nowhere good after all...but to lessen my sense of self-worth.

Oh jealousy, you hungry bastard you.
I have a thousand things to be grateful of, don't you dare debilitate.

1 comment:

ShengYo Ting Mitzi said...

I seriously agree life is sometimes full of horrible things. There are times when I feel lucky and blessed, and times when I hope my life isn't the way it is. No one is perfect, neither is the world. Let's just hope our negativity emphasizes our joyful moments.