I guess that 3 a.m. on your birthday is as good a time as any for an emotional breakdown.
I've always had this love and hate relationship with my birthday.
I've always had this love and hate relationship with my birthday.
I remember when I just turned 7, mom held a party to celebrate it, she got everything prepared, she decorated the room with colorful balloons, papers and glitters, don't forget a loud blaring birthday songs, sets of game to play with, a beautiful dress that matched perfectly with the decoration, and of course a huge birthday cake with lots and lots of icing sugar (it is actually mom's personal favorite). It was supposed to be an ideal birthday party every normal kids would dream of.
Maybe, except for one kid.
One bright afternoon, I had my friends making a huge circle around me and the cake, singing happy birthday, clapping their cute tiny hands happily. There I felt like riding on a high speed carrousel all of sudden, it felt so dizzy. My face reddened. I knew it because it felt warm. I couldn't hold it any longer then I bursted to tears.
Oh no, I cried.
I cried right at the moment I was supposed to blow off those flaming little candles. I cried in the front of my friends. I didn't want them to see me crying any further, so I ran to my room and locked myself in. I left mom and my friends in confusion. I've ruined my birthday myself. And don't ask what happened next because I didn't want to know.or feel like I need to know. And don't ask me too, why I cried. I really have no idea. I just felt, I don't know, that mixed feeling of sad, scared and embarrassed? No idea. That was probably the worst birthday celebration in the history of my life.
Mom never threw any birthday parties anymore ever since. Maybe she was disappointed of me. Of course she was. Me either. I'm sorry mom.
Now I feel okay not to celebrate my birthday properly. A simple birthday dinner with my family and a few really close friends is okay tho'. I may be surrounded by loving people around me but let me tell you, your heart is not something you can easily play trick with. For years, I never waited for my birthday, nor made a countdown like young people do just for fun, instead, I feel upset when it finally comes. If there should be a reason to be happy with, it'd be because I can finally find the right moment to ask my dad for something in the name of my ego. Which I know it won't make me feel any better eventually. Well, generally, I never asked for anything beside some extra ka-ching to buy books I've been longing to have but way too pricey to get with my own (haha). But to be frank, if I get offered by some options, I'd prefer to take some me-time instead, going somewhere far. My birthday is the time when I feel loneliest than ever. Those blooming flowers of spring are just a contradiction to what I feel. It's the time I'm looking back to what I've done and what I've been through all these years and most likely, I get even more upset because: 1) I think I don't achieve so much. 2) I've disappointed too many people I love. 3) I think I don't meet any expectations my parents give me, and people around me. 4) I think I'm not good enough as a friend. 5) Etcetera. 6) Etcetera.
Tell me where's the need to celebrate all of those?
But it's just so unfair to mention the bad without mentioning the good, at the same time I'm just as grateful for God blessing me with such diamond-hearted people that love me unconditionally. Noticing the flaws and holes I've tried so hard to cover but still love me anyway. Knowing I'm not living a smooth life the other people think I am in, but they accept me anyway. People to whom I can admit my weaknesses, mistakes and failures but still telling me how brave I am. Someone I can always run into, someone I can look up to when I'm lost. Standing there beside me when I need someone to walk with, get my back when I need a push, and in front of me when I need someone to follow. And no, I don't need a lot of person to be that sincere to me, because rarity is what makes them more special. Let's just hope they will stay who they are. Let's just hope they're for real.
And todayyyyy, as I'm turning 22 today (just noticed it's been 2 years since my last post on my 20th birthday! What an hiatus.) I came up with some notes and highlights from me to myself. Anyway, 22 doesn't feel so old like I (and probably many of you who hasn't yet turned 22 years old) thought it would be, I feel more an adult now haha. It feels good actually. But the fact that my mom got married to my dad when she was just 21 years old is kind of….what? Somehow intimidating hahaha just kidding.
So, what to achieve this year? I want to write more! I need to! That's why I brought this blog back to life again. That's why I'm writing this. How I've missed this feeling. Well, I did remove some old posts out of public eyes...BUNCH of them, because I think they soaked in overwhelming emotions, and I want to keep them to myself. I do not share ;)
Next thing is, I want to be more open to people, I want to be less passive, quiet and annoying. I want to be the one who says hello first. I want to be the one who asks my friends to go out and hang around. I want to be more extrovert. Not because being an introvert is a bad thing. But, you know, something too much is bad. This is gonna be a hard task. Since, people who knows me well know what an introvert I am. It's just weird, but people scare me. I feel more comfortable on my own, I feel like my energy is drained to the last drop by being around a lot of people. I don't know if this makes any sense but….please just be patient with me…. I'm working on this.
Anyway, earlier last night I had a Skype call with mom and my brother. My mom well...just being a mom, she was worried because it's been a week I caught a cold. My nose is runny and my throat sores a lot I've been having a hard time to put myself to sleep and it doesn't seem to get any better. Also it's the third time in the last 3 months. I already got my-self full prepared with the tablets and cough syrup which I'm not sure if they're making any difference or not. I know it's not cool. And later, I began to receive some notifications from my family and friends saying happy birthday. Though some people are worth having a rock throw into, with such humiliating kind of greetings hahaha. Kidding, they are unexceptionally sweet. Anyway I'm just so glad my birthday in Russia is always welcomed and followed by massive amount of big national celebrations, hence a lot of day-offs from college. BUT, exam weeks are coming real soon! Finger-crossed to a better grades. I can smell summer and hopefully, an exciting holiday! Hope y'all have a blessed week too :)